Infrastructure

INFRASTRUCTURE
(noun) The basic physical and organziational structures and facilities
(e.g., buildings, roads, and power supplies) needed for the operation
of a society or interprise.


"The infrastructure problem is huge - and it's growing.  The American
Society of Civil Engineers (ASCE) estimates that the nation faces a
$2.2 trillion infrastructure backlog.  One of every eight bridges is
"structurally deficient", and 85 perecnt of public transit systems are
struggling to carry the growing number of riders.  As ASCE President
Blaine D Leonard puts it, "We are still driving on Eisenhower's roads
and sending our kids to Roosevelt's schools."

I first started thinking about this subject after the recent tragic
train crash in Pennsylvania.   If you don't take care of the roads,
the bridges, the buildings, they will break down eventually.  A lot of
the roads and bridges were never meant to carry the load that they
have going across them each and every day.

I'm not trying to get you to stay in your house in fear!  Instead, I
want to talk about a different infrastructure.

When you get married, you build something together - a new life.  You
take the raw material of two lives, and you begin to forge ahead into
the future.  You make plans - blueprints of where you want your life
to go.  You add kids, a home.  Pets.

All of these things you must take care of - guarding your heart,
protecting your children, caring for your pets.  Your house.  Your
yard.  You make repairs as they are needed.

Then comes the separation or divorce.  There may have been cracks in
the infrastructure, insidious as termites eating the foundation of
your home.

Or it may have come out of the blue...or so it seems.  Because the
most important infrastructure is in YOU.

We are spirits that have a body.  We have minds, will, and emotions.
What is on the inside of us?  Are we just a deck of cards, ready to be
blown over by the slightest breeze? Are we made of straw, or sticks,
like the fairy tale, ready to be blown down?

We can't go back and heal the deficiencies that were in our
infrastructure prior to our separation or divorce.  BUT...we can
identify what we need to do to heal, repair, strenghten, and continue
on the road set before us.

The first thing is the foundation - you must have a good, solid
foundation under your home.  Matthew 7:24 says "Therefore, whoever
hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise
man who built his house on the rock."

A strong foundation is primary.  A relationship with our loving God -
trusting Him.  That may be difficult right now.  You need to wipe the
slate clean - clear off the site of the old destruction and pain, and
let him set you on the Rock.  Then you can start building on that
foundation by reading the Word, praying, fellowshiping with other
Christian's.

The next step is to grow - a solid infrastructure doesn't just sit
there.  It has to change with time and tide.

John 15:5 says "I am the vine, you are the branches.  He who abides in
Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.
If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is
withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they
are burned. If you abide in Me, and in My words abide in you, you will
ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father
is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples."

When a home is not lived in, after a while the environment will take
over.  It is the same with our relationship with God - we need to
purpose to live in Him, and He in us.  It's a symbiotic relationship.
We glow closer to Him - He draws nearer to us.  We seek His help and
strength - He is our foundation and makes strong our inner being.

And our home!

How's your infrastructure?

Father's Day

I have agonized over this posting, and the Lord is gently guiding me.  So I am asking each one of you, male and female, to prayerfully consider this letter from a humble former divorced single mom.

First of all, we all got on this planet because of a mother and a father.  I don't know what your relationship is with your biological father, but if you have a good relationship - thanks be to God. If not so much, then ask God to heal your relationship if possible, and to heal your heart if not.  It's a foundational thing. 

What we think of our fathers- our relationship with our fathers - often will shape how we think of God.  Did you have a stern disciplinarian for a father?  Then you may have a view of God as the God of thunder and lightning and wrath.  Did you have a loving, nurturing relationship with your dad?  You probably have an easier time thinking of God as a loving father.  Absent father?  Then you really don't know what to think - and you may wonder how God could let you grow up without a father.

You can't solve the issues with your dad or lack thereof today- I am just asking you to pray about it.  God IS a loving God and He wants you healed, and whole.

Now I will talk to the fathers.  Thank you.  Thank you for being a part of your kids lives.  Thank you for loving them.  And trust me - they need you SO MUCH.  More than you will ever know.  They are looking to you for love, affection, attention, affirmation, example...etc.  

Some of you have more time with your kids than your ex.  Regardless of how much time you have - MAKE THE MOST OF IT.  I don't mean Disney Dad it (though y'all know I love Disney!).  I mean BE there when you are with them.  They may look like they are ignoring you  - they are not.  Play ball.  Have game night - yes, this still really works!  Read the Bible with them. Go for walks. Take them to the library.  Regardless of the status of your relationship with their mother, YOU are the head.  You set the tone of their upbringing - especially if you are the one trying to pick up your cross and work out your salvation daily.  YES they may see and experience things that you don't want them to when they are not with you - you have no control over that.  What you have control over is your time with them - make memories!  Cook dinner with them, even if it's a blue box of mac and cheese and hot dogs.  Take them to the beach.  Cuddle with them.  BE PRESENT.  Tell them you love them.  Every.  Single.  Day.  You may not have been raised this way - but trust me, you can learn a new habit, and your kids need to know that you are ROCK SOLID.  Give them a space that is theirs, that won't change.  Give them security - and you do that by being consistent.  

You are SO SO important.  Regardless of the status of your relationship with their mother, they need YOU.  You are shaping their future with every action - intentional or unintentional.  So live intentionally!

Now, mom's.  Some of you are able to amicably shuffle the kids back and forth.  Some don't see the ex at all, or the ex has disappeared.  Or died.  Same basic message - you are important.  They need  a mom.  Your kids need nurturing, love, stability, consistency.

And they need you not to badmouth their father. 

It's beyond not saying things TO them - don't say things AROUND them.  Talking to your friends at the ball game.  Talking on the phone in your room, you may not think they can hear you.  They can.  

My kids have a deadbeat dad who avoided paying child support, and thus any contact with his kids, for almost 20 years.  What did I tell them? I told them that he loved them as best he could.  That he was hurting and that is why he wasn't around - it wasn't their fault.  As time went on and they got older, the truth became apparent.  

That's the thing - you cannot badmouth the ex.  They are loyal to mom.  They are loyal to dad.  No matter how horrible, wrong, deserting, selfish, etc they are, the kids will think the best of their parents.  Don't burst their bubble. Life will come along soon enough.

So tell your kids that their absent father loves them.  And then tell them that their Father in Heaven loves them, and He is there for them, every day, no matter what.  Help them see God as Someone that loves them unconditionally.  Help set that foundation.  Help redeem the name of Father for them.  

I pray for you all today - that our gracious Heavenly Father will bring peace and hope to you today. 

Quicker To Judge

Today is our seventh wedding anniversary. It's been a challenge with two families, but we are very much in love, and we are constantly shoring up and protecting our marriage- the most important relationship apart from our relationship with God. 

What I don't understand is how quick to judge and how long the grudge is from some friends and family. I understood hard feelings at the beginning- we have both been in other marriages and relationships.  It takes time to adjust. 

We've been together 8 1/2 years now - if you know us, if you love us, isn't it past time to support us? Especially from the Christian camp. Both of us had cheating spouses - do we not at least get credit for love and faithfulness to each other? God is for our marriage - I don't understand those who are against it. 

Both of us have been marginalized, ignored, slandered, and written off. Without getting facts from us, many have run with fictional stories, not truth, and blocked us. 

With first marriages, I don't think this happens as much. Remarriage for some reason leads to harsher judgement. 

Bottom line:we are going to live the rest of our lives together, serving God and loving one another. We thank God every day for healing the hurts of past relationships AND giving us another chance to love, and be loved. 

It sure would be great to have the support of our families and friends. (Of note: his parents have been wonderful, loving, accepting and a true blessing.)

Thank you new friends and church family for your love and support. 

As to the doubters or worse...examine the plank on your eye before you try and take the speck out of ours. A little forgiveness goes a long way. And we miss you. 

LS

The Battlefield

I went for a run/walk the other day. It was a hot and humid late afternoon, but there was a good breeze that would come by and cool me off just when I started whining about the heat.

As I rounded the last corner and headed home, I noticed that I had an amazing view.  To my right, the approaching sunset.  To my left, the near full moon was rising, in anticipation for it's debut in the night sky.

I realized I had choices on how to think about it.

On the one hand, it was the end of the day.  Here are the two trains of thought that went through my mind as a walked down the road. As I looked at the sunset, here were my thoughts:

 

*Positive - I made it through another day!              Negative: I'm so glad this day is over.

                 What a sunset - thank you Lord!                           Ugh.  I have to work tomorrow.

                 I got out and exercised! Woot!                              I can't believe I only ran 2 miles!

                 I did a total of 5 miles! High Five!                          I don't want to go home.  Too stressful.

 

Then I looked over to the other side, where the moon was rising.  My divergent train of thought went like this:

 

*Positive -  Look at that moon! It's going to be a beautiful night!               Negative:  I hope I sleep tonight.  Another fitful night ahead.

                  I can't wait to do my Bible reading and relax before bed.                         I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. 

                  I still have time to journal!!                                                                        I haven't journaled in days.  I suck.

 

All of these thoughts went through my brain at some point.  The facts were these: there was a sun setting, and a moon rising. The rest?  Well the rest was all in the battle field of my mind.

 

The Bible has a lot to say about our mind.  That IS where the battle truly occurs.  Sure, there are a lot of things going on in your life right now - that's a FACT - but what you choose to think about is where the victory lies.

 

2 Corinthians 10:5 (NKJ) says this : "...casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ..."

 

Philippians exorts us in chapter 4 verse 8  that "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

 

Stinkin' thinkin' is MUCH easier than purposefully thinking on what Philippians instructs us to.

 

It's never more important to work on what you are thinking about than WHEN you are going through trials.  Our human nature is to get sour and bitter.  And frankly, when you are dealt a bad hand, there is that righteous anger. You're going to be mad, frustrated, upset, grieving, incredulous - and on and on.

 

Don't camp there.  

 

The way you get out of it is with your thoughts!!

 

When you are stuck in a negative thinking rut, ask God to help you out.  Don't keep rocking in that stinkin' thinkin'. 

 

Pray for His help.  Get out your Bible and find a verse or two (or more!!) that you can stand on.

 

CHOOSE to see the good.  Yeah, it was a crappy thing that happened that day this week.  But I CHOSE to thank God for the beauty of the sunset, the grandeur of the moon rise.  I CHOSE to breathe in the intoxicating nectar of confederate jasmine, and I beheld the beautiful lilies bursting forth in orange and yellow blooms all along my path.  I CHOSE to thank God for the five miles I walked/ran - and thanked Him for the ability to do it.

 

There are two paths.  Which one you go down in  your mind will determine your countenence, your attitude,  your peace.

 

Which way will YOU choose?

 

 

Anger

Anger.  

If there is any emotion you can associate with separation or divorce, anger would be one of the first emotions that comes to mind. 

Anger is an emotion a lot of people have a hard time accepting in their lives - hey, if you are a nice person, you don't get angry. Right?

Wrong. 

We all have emotions, and anger is one of them. 

Then people think anger is a sin. What it actually says in Ephesians 4:26 (NKJV) is this: " Be angry, and do not sin". It doesn't say don't be angry. 

Emotions are part of who we are. We are allowed to feel them. Where we get in trouble is when we camp out in that place. Feel the anger - but don't let it control you. 

What do you do, then? In the heat of the moment, if you can, just walk away. Take a breather. Take five. 

If you can't get away, then take five seconds to hold your peace. Think on this:

In the heat of anger, the first thing to come to mind probably won't fit those "Think" criteria. 

Come up with a plan. If faced with a situation that is going to make you boil over and say something you may regret, find a way not to talk. Dont worry about looking like an idiot. 

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt" Abraham Lincoln

I am having a particularly trying week. Wednesday I got a manicure, and I painted my pinkie yellow. Bright, caution yellow. Because I glance at it during angry boil up, and I pause. I think on one of my favorite verses, found in James 1:19 

19 So then,[a] my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 

It's normal to feel angry. Just find a way to deal with it in a healthy way - for your sake. 

In A Fog

Today I opened the garage door as usual at 0420 to begin my 62 mile commute to work. It's a drive I make every week, full time, and I have made this trek since 2006.  I think if I let my car go, it would drive itself there.

As I got on the interstate, my Jetta was soon enveloped in a thick, smothering fog. I got off of cruise control and slowed to a safer highway fog speed, and gripped the wheel with both hands, becoming extra alert, tense, looking for any hazards that might be in my very limited visual field.

Although I know the path well, suddenly I was disoriented.  I squinted to see the mile markers, looking for a sign that I was where I should be on the commute.  There were no street lamps to light the way, and I knew the next lights would not be until my exit.  The fog pressed agains my windows, and my headlights sliced through the grey vapor, sending it off in streams over and around me.

My senses were heightened. I was uneasy, though - even though I had been down this road before, this was an experience that had to be handled today.  In the moment.  It appeared without warning, and it could just as easily dissapate quickly.

Eventually a dim light appeared in the near distance, and I relaxed a little.  It was amazing how much that little hint of yellow light at the top of the hill gave me comfort.  For a minute, I knew where I was, and I knew there was a way out of the darkness.

Divorce is a lot like that.

One day you are just cruising along, and then suddenly, the air is sucked out of the room.  Everything is changed.  In a moment.  Or maybe it was over a period of time.

Once you start the journey of separation or divorce, though, then you are on the foggy path.  The way things were done before are not the same.  The landscape of your life is no longer something that is familiar to you.

You become anxious, sensitive, looking for direction or hope.  You cling to anything that looks familiar to you, that makes sense.  Your mind becomes foggy with lack of sleep, anxiety, emotion - the whirlwind of situations, legalities, and emotions that rushes over you.

In the mean time you careen down a road that you didn't expect to be on, and you can't see where it ends.

There is a light - there is a hope.  It's so important to surround yourself with safe people that care about you.  Family, friends, church family.  The divorce recovery program is so vital and effective because there is someone who has been down the road, knows it well, and knows that there is an exit off of it.  Knows that the fog will lift when the Son appears.

Know that we are praying for you.  Know that God loves you - and He wants you to trust Him.  Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr said "Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

The first step is toward God.  Telling Him everything.  Crying out to Him.  Giving your life to Him...and trusting that He will put you back on the right path.

The sun WILL come up again...

LLS

Awkward Transitions

Mother's Day Weekend...

It is a loaded weekend for those who are separated, divorced, or somewhere in between.  Major holidays always change when family dynamics change.  What to do?  You need to reframe it. Start new traditions, and find a way to handle it in the healthiest way you can.

Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday because I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. Every year, I spend a long time trying to find a card that will show my appreciation for her giving birth to me, but not a card that is all mushy and lovey - because that is not our relationship.  Mother's Day will remind people of mother's they have lost, or relationships that are strained, or even relationships that are broken.  For those who have not had children, either by choice or through the agony of infertility, Mother's Day is a bitter day.  I take this day to thank God for my blessings, and pray for mothers.

How do you handle it with your children?  We would take the kids when they were small to the store and they would pick out a card for their mother - sometimes even buying a small gift.  That way the ex wife still gets honored by the children.  The BEST thing you can do for your children is not to bad-mouth the ex.  It's more than not saying things to them - don't say things about the ex within earshot, either.  Everyone needs to vent, and there are times you will need to phone a friend, or talk to legal counsel, etc - but do it FAR away from the kids, or when they are not home.  That kid zoned out in front of the TV will hear everything you are saying, and even if what you are saying is true, it will be harmful for the children to hear it.  

If Mother's Day falls on your visitation day, a nice olive branch to put out there is to let the kids at least spend some time with their mother.  It really doesn't matter if she is not mother of the year, she IS their mom.  If it wasn't for her, they wouldn't be here.  Be grateful for that, if nothing else.  

This Mother's Day, pray for the lost mothers - the ones who have chosen a path that is leading them away from God.  Pray for them to find the Lord - because only God can change a person's character, and make us the best parents we can be.  Pray for them because their influence is major in the lives of the children - and subsequently your life as well.  

And pray for them because we all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.  God has been merciful - so merciful! - with us.  Not because of anything we have done - or not done.  When you pray for those who have hurt you, it reminds you that you, too, need forgiveness.  It keeps you humble.  

Matthew 5:43-48New International Version (NIV)

Love for Enemies

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor^[a] and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Forgiveness is the key that frees you.  Prayer is very instrumental in helping soften your heart towards forgiving.  

It's not easy.  But, with God's help, you can slowly start to see the mother's in your life as God sees them. 

*Spring iris bloom in Idaho - sent to my sons grandfather in honor of Sharon, his wife- a woman who was a mother to me for most of my life. Every year these bulbs bloom, her favorite flower, in tribute.