I have agonized over this posting, and the Lord is gently guiding me. So I am asking each one of you, male and female, to prayerfully consider this letter from a humble former divorced single mom.
First of all, we all got on this planet because of a mother and a father. I don't know what your relationship is with your biological father, but if you have a good relationship - thanks be to God. If not so much, then ask God to heal your relationship if possible, and to heal your heart if not. It's a foundational thing.
What we think of our fathers- our relationship with our fathers - often will shape how we think of God. Did you have a stern disciplinarian for a father? Then you may have a view of God as the God of thunder and lightning and wrath. Did you have a loving, nurturing relationship with your dad? You probably have an easier time thinking of God as a loving father. Absent father? Then you really don't know what to think - and you may wonder how God could let you grow up without a father.
You can't solve the issues with your dad or lack thereof today- I am just asking you to pray about it. God IS a loving God and He wants you healed, and whole.
Now I will talk to the fathers. Thank you. Thank you for being a part of your kids lives. Thank you for loving them. And trust me - they need you SO MUCH. More than you will ever know. They are looking to you for love, affection, attention, affirmation, example...etc.
Some of you have more time with your kids than your ex. Regardless of how much time you have - MAKE THE MOST OF IT. I don't mean Disney Dad it (though y'all know I love Disney!). I mean BE there when you are with them. They may look like they are ignoring you - they are not. Play ball. Have game night - yes, this still really works! Read the Bible with them. Go for walks. Take them to the library. Regardless of the status of your relationship with their mother, YOU are the head. You set the tone of their upbringing - especially if you are the one trying to pick up your cross and work out your salvation daily. YES they may see and experience things that you don't want them to when they are not with you - you have no control over that. What you have control over is your time with them - make memories! Cook dinner with them, even if it's a blue box of mac and cheese and hot dogs. Take them to the beach. Cuddle with them. BE PRESENT. Tell them you love them. Every. Single. Day. You may not have been raised this way - but trust me, you can learn a new habit, and your kids need to know that you are ROCK SOLID. Give them a space that is theirs, that won't change. Give them security - and you do that by being consistent.
You are SO SO important. Regardless of the status of your relationship with their mother, they need YOU. You are shaping their future with every action - intentional or unintentional. So live intentionally!
Now, mom's. Some of you are able to amicably shuffle the kids back and forth. Some don't see the ex at all, or the ex has disappeared. Or died. Same basic message - you are important. They need a mom. Your kids need nurturing, love, stability, consistency.
And they need you not to badmouth their father.
It's beyond not saying things TO them - don't say things AROUND them. Talking to your friends at the ball game. Talking on the phone in your room, you may not think they can hear you. They can.
My kids have a deadbeat dad who avoided paying child support, and thus any contact with his kids, for almost 20 years. What did I tell them? I told them that he loved them as best he could. That he was hurting and that is why he wasn't around - it wasn't their fault. As time went on and they got older, the truth became apparent.
That's the thing - you cannot badmouth the ex. They are loyal to mom. They are loyal to dad. No matter how horrible, wrong, deserting, selfish, etc they are, the kids will think the best of their parents. Don't burst their bubble. Life will come along soon enough.
So tell your kids that their absent father loves them. And then tell them that their Father in Heaven loves them, and He is there for them, every day, no matter what. Help them see God as Someone that loves them unconditionally. Help set that foundation. Help redeem the name of Father for them.
I pray for you all today - that our gracious Heavenly Father will bring peace and hope to you today.
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